Osashibudidane?

I won't pretend to say anything about how long I've been gone or how my ups and downs have gone. Life gets crazy, and if you're still reading all of this you know just how crazy. Let me just give you the run down of how things are now.

1) I have a bunny! He's all black, his name is Loki and he is a MASTER at chaos.
2)I have a gaming computer now, and in an effort to try to equalize things I'm going to start streaming again, but the way I want to this time. I'll be playing games, mixing music, and if I feel like people want it I'll start mixing drinks too. I'm open to possibilities and want to build a community of friendship around myself.
3)Our two kittens are happy, healthy, and as unpredictable as ever.
4) I'll be taking LOTS more pictures soon.
5)I have a good job, with good pay, and good hours. My manager cares about my health and most of my coworkers are brilliant.
6)I. Miss. Music. So you'll be hearing a lot more about that.
7) Float tanks are BRILLIANT. You know, the sensory deprivation float tanks? I haven't been able to reach my toes in years. After an hour I could touch the floor. You'll be hearing my adventures with that and possibly...what's it called...cryotherapy? They one where you go into a pod that's super chilled for a short amount of time.
8)My journey towards health and happiness is ever changing, ever growing, and ever evolving. If you have any tips, tricks, hints, or support don't hesitate to let me know. I'm all ears for respectful people.

Have a good day my lovelies and I'll be seeing you much more soon.

Alright. It's been a long journey. It's been a long time since I've updated my blog, but this is the time in my life where it's actually more feasible to start a large project like this. I promised myself a while back that I was going to be more healthy, more fit, more active, more alive. It's taken me this long, but I've finally started the path that direction. I have many things to talk about, including the workouts I've started, and the recipes, ,but for now I'm going to start with this

Fruit infused water

And let me just say that my inner drink artist is satisfied with this, although it's lack of alcohol content is a bit saddening. In my quest to become harder, better, faster, stronger I've been trying to drink enough water. (Half your body weight in ounces) This is difficult for me given that before now my water consumption was notoriously low. Drinking water is difficult when your favorite drink is milk.

So here goes. This is my first attempt, so I didn't think to much into the combinations except what I thought would taste good.



Bottle One: Apple, Lime, Rosemary

As you can see, there is quite a bit in these bottles. In fact, I cut up half an apple and a whole lime. I was apparently a bit overzealous with the rosemary for my first time though. I placed an entire sprig of rosemary in the bottle, and even now I can taste the regret. Between the lime and rosemary it was bitter, with a long after taste. The apple seemed to help a bit, but overall it was extremely sour.

The verdict? 3/10

Definitely wouldn't do it again like this, but I would probably modify the recipie and try again.

Bottle Two: Orange, Lemon, Mint

The ingredients in this one? Half an orange, half a lemon, and 2 sprigs of mint. The orange and lemon are a bit bitter, and the two of them together can cause a bit of acid for those people who are a little susceptible to that. I have a problem with textures especially with the foods that I eat, and until now ingesting oranges has been tough. This water makes me insanely happy. I enjoyed the refreshing quality of the citrus and the aftertaste of the mint.

The Verdict? 8/10

This would be my go to if it didn't cause so much acid. So happy I can have oranges in my life.

Bottle Three: Strawberry, Cucumber, Mint

OH MY GOODNESS. Okay let me say first that this was one mini cucumber, about 4 strawberries, and another 2 sprigs of mint. Now that that is out of the way, this is amazing! I couldn't get enough of it and I was sad when it was gone.

Verdict? OMG like 11/10

I'm making another one tomorrow, but unfortunately I don't think that I can reuse the stuff that's already in the bottle. A little more spendy, but SO worth.

Her name is Aya

It's been a crazy 23 years, but everything stars with one step. One step on the treadmill, one word on the page, one more dollar in the bank. I'm working on a story. It's the story that has always been in my head and I'm just now starting to make the world that this story lives in. It's about a woman that I have modeled myself after for decades.

If you don't know me let me give you the run down. I have:
1)anxiety, complete with extreme paranoia
2)Depression, accompanied by suicidal tendencies
3)Sensory disorders, which make eating certain foods or wearing certain things difficult
4)PTSD of a rough childhood with some interesting circumstances.

So, with that I was a weird kid. I often felt hopeless, and like I could never be happy with being inside my own head. So I decided not to. As a kid I was required to go to bed at 8pm. When the lights went out, it wasn't always bed time for me. (Sorry mom) I transported myself to another world. I was an athlete, a fighter, a warrior. This warrior was the right hand of the Queen, a user of telepathy and telekinetic, a valued member of a society that had much respect for each other and the world they lived upon. She fought off armies, kept track of threats and was often the go to person in a crisis.

She was everything I'm not.

So as a kid I lived through her, often staying up until I would only get a few hours of sleep before school. I explored her world, her friends, her childhood. I saw all of the beauty that was this world of magic and wonder. I saw how hard one person can fall but still not quite break. As I grew older I learned of psychology. Suddenly situations got more complicated, emotions came into play, politics became a part of the world. My head exploded with ideas and stories of all of the people in this world.

Eventually something shifted. She went from being the story I told myself at bedtime to the goal of who I wanted to be. There have been many different versions of her as she has grown with me, but I always make her just a bit better than I think I am.

She's my role model, friend, soul mate, companion, first love, and she'll stay with me forever. She deserves to have a voice as she finally has a name.

I can't wait for you all to meet her.

WOO

Yesterday was the doctor's appointment. Took many many vials of blood, and got all of the moving parts checked out. Been diagnosed for now with depression, as well as a couple other things. I don't know much at the moment, but I do know that my doctor is available, attentive, and really sweet. I'm loving her, and the other people who work at the clinic are just fantabulous.

I'm on Lexapro right now for the depression/anxiety. It's nice to know that there's something there. Soon enough I'll know a lot more.

For now, that's the health update.

I GOT MY CORSETS!

They're all really cute and I'll probably post pictures in a while. I've been trying to wear them every day, and so far I've worn them out a couple times too. Nothing like the looks you get from the older women at the grocery store when you show up in a corset and short lace skirt. LOL Any ways. I plan to make this blog more informative, but for right now I need to focus on me, so that's what it will be :P

What's going on?

I've started dealing with things that haven't been an issue before.

I'm seeing things that aren't there, watching movements that don't exist, my joints suddenly weight hundreds of pounds, my muscles twitch relentlessly, I have trouble sleeping or I sleep so hard that the days seem unreal. These sensations, on top of the pain, and the strange sleep schedule are so exhausting. Between this whole ordeal and the mood swings from hell I feel like I'm going crazy in a sane world. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to be normal and sane, I'm trying to keep going like a human being, but I just can't. I feel guilty. I feel wrong. I feel like a painting that's been all mushed up. I feel like so many things that I can't pinpoint a feeling. I feel too much, I want to do too much, everything feels to bright, too quiet, too confusing, too abrasive... Sensations, feelings, and pain are too much. I'm on sensory overload and it's making me crazy and irritable. How do I cope with this? Anyone?

Cherry flavored tears

Wow. So this is it. My first post on a blog that I hope will change my life. My thoughts are tripping over each other trying to reach my fingers on the keys because there are so many things I want to tell the world. Here goes. We'll start at where I am now and what I hope to do here.

 

Where am I?

Not physically, but in my life. I just came out of a REALLY bad headspace where my mind was convinced that breathing was unnecessary, and that many lives would have been much more perfect if I had never existed. That being said, I never wanted to hurt myself, I just really wanted to sleep until all of the demons ran away.

 

SO now I'm in a good place. I've showered and washed all of the demons off my back, I've made plans for something to really look forward to, I've ordered a good portion of a new wardrobe to help me make a change and I'm starting a diet and workout plan to get rid of this tummy and feel like the elven Amazonian warrior that I am. Wish me luck on the shoe front...

 

What do I want to do here?

I'm glad you asked. A few things. I would like to share my journey through therapeutic corseting with you. As you've read my emotional state is a bit weird, and I have some sensory issues, but the pressure from corsets is quite relaxing when it's done right. Also, I have some SERIOUS back problems, but wearing a corset for a while seems to straighten most of them out for days. I ordered 8 corsets for my birthday recently and when they come in I would love to do a fashion show for all of you to kick off my life change.

 

I would also like to talk about mental disorders and what they do/feel like. I feel like documenting my journey where someone can see might help someone in the future who sees things from my end of this never-ending tunnel of torture. Eventually I'll get diagnosed, but for now we'll just say I'm bipolar and depressed with a wonderful added anxiety chemical. Between that and the extreme chronic pain I deal with, my lows are very VERY low, but when I do hit a high point in my life I purposefully let it fill me up because when I'm happy there's nothing else I'd rather do than just soak it in.

 

As I've said before, I'm going to change my life from top to bottom. I'm going to try to stay the same person, but skim off all of the bad parts of myself, especially this muffin top I got going on. I'm going to do some research on some ways to help it, and find some low impact workouts that really help me melt off these pounds so I can feel and look on the outside like I want to see myself in my head. I'll be dying my hair at some point, maybe cutting it, changing my wardrobe, slowly adapting my attitude, finding a "faith system" I believe in, and just overall trying to remove all of the obstacles between me, and contentedly reaching my goals in life!

 

Finally, I want to be an interpreter, and I want to start sharing these things with SOMEONE without talking the ears off my family and friends. So get ready, because this is my new diary where I talk about the good, the bad, the ugly, and the awkward. This is where I share the world inside each dragon tear. Thanks for joining me. I'll start by setting a goal to update twice a week, and we'll go from there.

 

Arigatou!!

When the demons start to become normal

This is a bit deep and dark for a first real post, and I promise that as soon as my corsets come in you'll be seeing a lot more of the sunshine, but I have to ask someone, somewhere. What do you do when your demons become something you just accept? What do you do when the pain you feel develops a voice and a name? How do you tell people about this darkness without them thinking you're crazy? Or asking if you need the suicide hotline? Or telling you to lighten up?

There are shadows that don't sleep. There are demons with voices like sirens that sing just quiet enough to be heard by the souls that lay awake in the night. I'm not an artist, I'm not a writer. I just wonder how others deal with their demons. That moment where you're watching a show and you hope an actor does something drastic just because you see their pain, and you know their pain, but no one else seems to see. You know the screen play is written that way, but seeing their feelings be so invisible...it enrages those demons inside of you that are always telling you how different you are. It makes them louder. It feeds them. These demons, they feed on your pain in whatever amount they can get. How do you tell someone how invisible you feel when they don't seem to see? When there's nothing to say? When you sound like a whiney 13 year old who had their toys taken away?

I haven't found any answers. I haven't found any way to calm those demons. What I do know is that there is no way I'm alone. So at least that counts for something right?

Just so I don't feel quite so unheard I'll be posting more in a day or so about the life changes I'm currently making, but I want to tell someone how much it hurts every day to watch this living movie play out in front of me, and feel like everyone's in on a secret to smiling that I can't find.