WOO

Yesterday was the doctor's appointment. Took many many vials of blood, and got all of the moving parts checked out. Been diagnosed for now with depression, as well as a couple other things. I don't know much at the moment, but I do know that my doctor is available, attentive, and really sweet. I'm loving her, and the other people who work at the clinic are just fantabulous.

I'm on Lexapro right now for the depression/anxiety. It's nice to know that there's something there. Soon enough I'll know a lot more.

For now, that's the health update.

I GOT MY CORSETS!

They're all really cute and I'll probably post pictures in a while. I've been trying to wear them every day, and so far I've worn them out a couple times too. Nothing like the looks you get from the older women at the grocery store when you show up in a corset and short lace skirt. LOL Any ways. I plan to make this blog more informative, but for right now I need to focus on me, so that's what it will be :P

What's going on?

I've started dealing with things that haven't been an issue before.

I'm seeing things that aren't there, watching movements that don't exist, my joints suddenly weight hundreds of pounds, my muscles twitch relentlessly, I have trouble sleeping or I sleep so hard that the days seem unreal. These sensations, on top of the pain, and the strange sleep schedule are so exhausting. Between this whole ordeal and the mood swings from hell I feel like I'm going crazy in a sane world. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to be normal and sane, I'm trying to keep going like a human being, but I just can't. I feel guilty. I feel wrong. I feel like a painting that's been all mushed up. I feel like so many things that I can't pinpoint a feeling. I feel too much, I want to do too much, everything feels to bright, too quiet, too confusing, too abrasive... Sensations, feelings, and pain are too much. I'm on sensory overload and it's making me crazy and irritable. How do I cope with this? Anyone?

Cherry flavored tears

Wow. So this is it. My first post on a blog that I hope will change my life. My thoughts are tripping over each other trying to reach my fingers on the keys because there are so many things I want to tell the world. Here goes. We'll start at where I am now and what I hope to do here.

 

Where am I?

Not physically, but in my life. I just came out of a REALLY bad headspace where my mind was convinced that breathing was unnecessary, and that many lives would have been much more perfect if I had never existed. That being said, I never wanted to hurt myself, I just really wanted to sleep until all of the demons ran away.

 

SO now I'm in a good place. I've showered and washed all of the demons off my back, I've made plans for something to really look forward to, I've ordered a good portion of a new wardrobe to help me make a change and I'm starting a diet and workout plan to get rid of this tummy and feel like the elven Amazonian warrior that I am. Wish me luck on the shoe front...

 

What do I want to do here?

I'm glad you asked. A few things. I would like to share my journey through therapeutic corseting with you. As you've read my emotional state is a bit weird, and I have some sensory issues, but the pressure from corsets is quite relaxing when it's done right. Also, I have some SERIOUS back problems, but wearing a corset for a while seems to straighten most of them out for days. I ordered 8 corsets for my birthday recently and when they come in I would love to do a fashion show for all of you to kick off my life change.

 

I would also like to talk about mental disorders and what they do/feel like. I feel like documenting my journey where someone can see might help someone in the future who sees things from my end of this never-ending tunnel of torture. Eventually I'll get diagnosed, but for now we'll just say I'm bipolar and depressed with a wonderful added anxiety chemical. Between that and the extreme chronic pain I deal with, my lows are very VERY low, but when I do hit a high point in my life I purposefully let it fill me up because when I'm happy there's nothing else I'd rather do than just soak it in.

 

As I've said before, I'm going to change my life from top to bottom. I'm going to try to stay the same person, but skim off all of the bad parts of myself, especially this muffin top I got going on. I'm going to do some research on some ways to help it, and find some low impact workouts that really help me melt off these pounds so I can feel and look on the outside like I want to see myself in my head. I'll be dying my hair at some point, maybe cutting it, changing my wardrobe, slowly adapting my attitude, finding a "faith system" I believe in, and just overall trying to remove all of the obstacles between me, and contentedly reaching my goals in life!

 

Finally, I want to be an interpreter, and I want to start sharing these things with SOMEONE without talking the ears off my family and friends. So get ready, because this is my new diary where I talk about the good, the bad, the ugly, and the awkward. This is where I share the world inside each dragon tear. Thanks for joining me. I'll start by setting a goal to update twice a week, and we'll go from there.

 

Arigatou!!

When the demons start to become normal

This is a bit deep and dark for a first real post, and I promise that as soon as my corsets come in you'll be seeing a lot more of the sunshine, but I have to ask someone, somewhere. What do you do when your demons become something you just accept? What do you do when the pain you feel develops a voice and a name? How do you tell people about this darkness without them thinking you're crazy? Or asking if you need the suicide hotline? Or telling you to lighten up?

There are shadows that don't sleep. There are demons with voices like sirens that sing just quiet enough to be heard by the souls that lay awake in the night. I'm not an artist, I'm not a writer. I just wonder how others deal with their demons. That moment where you're watching a show and you hope an actor does something drastic just because you see their pain, and you know their pain, but no one else seems to see. You know the screen play is written that way, but seeing their feelings be so invisible...it enrages those demons inside of you that are always telling you how different you are. It makes them louder. It feeds them. These demons, they feed on your pain in whatever amount they can get. How do you tell someone how invisible you feel when they don't seem to see? When there's nothing to say? When you sound like a whiney 13 year old who had their toys taken away?

I haven't found any answers. I haven't found any way to calm those demons. What I do know is that there is no way I'm alone. So at least that counts for something right?

Just so I don't feel quite so unheard I'll be posting more in a day or so about the life changes I'm currently making, but I want to tell someone how much it hurts every day to watch this living movie play out in front of me, and feel like everyone's in on a secret to smiling that I can't find.